Used And Abused
by fan-fic-writer-uk
Summary: Memories of the past often haunt us. To rid ourselves of them we must first confront them, however what happens when to do so will tear us apart. *Slightly* depressing and emotional. Chris and Wesker at their most vulnerable. Please R/R someone
1. The Past

Category: Resident Evil  
  
Title: Used And Abused  
  
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk  
  
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Rating: PG-13 (although maybe NC-17 in later chapters pending reviews)  
  
Language: English (obviously)  
  
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)  
  
a/n Okay people this is a YAOI fic (incidentally my first), you know what that means and what it entails so if you don't like it then you shouldn't even be reading this and, if you still are TURN BACK NOW (I already warned you what it would be in the summary)  
  
Umm... anyway now that's over with I guess I should tell you a little about my fic. Well obviously it's C/W and yeah there's quite likely going to be some sex scenes in it. Sounds pretty average I guess, but I don't do average. This fic's going to be a lot different than other C/W ones (I like standing out from the rest of the crowd). If you've read any of my other fics you'll already know I make the characters (particularly Wesker) very different from their stereotypical roles and this fic isn't going to be any different. And also unlike most other C/W fics I've noticed I'm not going to have Wesker rape Chris (it's not my style). And I'm not going to make him 100% evil either, like other writers, I just don't think he is or for that matter anybody is. So basically I'm injecting some emotions into this fic to make you see the two in a completely new light. The fic itself is going to alternate from Chris's P.O.W to Wesker's P.O.W mostly on a chapter to chapter basis with a couple of flash backs thrown in for good measure, where if there are going to be any sex scenes they wil occur (just to let you know).  
  
I'm sure I've bored you enough already so whatever else you want to know you'll just have to read the fic and find out... so enjoy I guess and on with the fic!  
  
Chapter One- The Past, Chris's P.O.W  
  
Putting pen to paper, it's hard, harder than I thought it'd be, probably because I really don't want to. Yet I'm going have to do it eventually and I suppose there's no time like the present. I've put it off for long enough as it is anyway, I guess I've just been fooling myself in the meantime. Fooling myself that I'm strong, fooling myself that I can cope, fooling myself that everything's just fine.. yeah right. Sure I can pretend to the others that I'm okay (I've noticed I'm quite good at it actually with a sickening horror), but things aren't okay, it's only a pretence, my bravado. I've probably only done it because I've to, it's more like an obligation than anything else. As group leader there is no other option, you've got to be stronger than everyone else, you've got to rise above things others are unable to.. but I can't, I'm not that strong really.. I never was. And that's why I'm here writing this, alone (at least emotionally) late at night in some dingy dive somewhere in North-Western Europe. I've tried to bottle things up but I've failed miserably, it's only made things worse in fact.. I know that now. I thought it would be easier on me to ignore everything I felt and still feel. By putting everything to the back of my mind I'd hoped to find the inner strength to last each day through.. how wrong I was. It was a short term solution not a long one, and that's why I've got to write this now otherwise I'll never be free from it all, not ever.  
  
I can't talk to anyone, they just wouldn't, they couldn't. They don't know what I know, they don't know the utter hell I've been through or the pains I've had to bare.. and why should they? It's not their fault, it's not their problem, it's mine and mine alone. That's why I'm writing this, it's my only outlet to the pain and grief that has been bubbling up inside of me these past few months. Months? Yeah it has been, I guess I hadn't realised it yet, after all it still only seems like yesterday (a total cliche I know but it's definitely true). All of my doubts, my worries, my fears that I thought I'd gotten over, gotten passed have been building up and have resurfaced tonight (it was just wishful thinking to believe otherwise). But I know now you can't just ignore emotions and hope they'll go away, certainly not in my case, you just can't. How on earth can you ignore betrayal like I've felt it?  
  
Not only by your Captain, the man whose supposed to protect you, risk his own life to save you in fact.. that's just the beginning of it, there's SO much more. It becomes a lot more difficult to try  
  
and forget when you've been betrayed by a friend (at least someone who you thought was a friend). That's still not it though, the last two pale in comparison to the third betrayal. (Wait for it) How can you forget the betrayal I've had by a lover?  
  
Yes I said lover, lover lover lover lover LOVER. There that's why it hurts so much, that's why it breaks my heart and that's why they can't know, I'd just die if they did. I can't discuss what has happened to me with anyone, you can see why now. They'd probably lay on the sympathy which I can't handle or worse, they'd resent me for what I did. Sleeping with the enemy, they'd privately hate me for it (even though I didn't know I was doing it at the time). I say we were lovers, we weren't. He was my lover, he meant so much to me in so many ways. However to him I was just a fuck toy, a pleasure toy, a bit of fun for him. He probably thought it was funny screwing around with me, playing mind games on so many levels. All he saw me as was someone he could set out to seduce. And I was too young, too naive, too innocent to know, to believe any different and he took advantage of that fact. He couldn't have felt what I felt or he couldn't have done what he did, nobody could have. No I was just somebody he could use for kicks, nothing more, I couldn't be. When I discovered the real truth and he confirmed it so coldly and matter a factly it tore me up. Love me he didn't, he revealed himself to be too cruel and evil to be able to do so... and yet when we were together he was so caring towards me, so understanding.  
  
So compromising with me when I told him he was my first, so gentle. Prepared to take things at my slow virgin pace, so wonderful... I wonder why he bothered, was it just for effect? He gave me so much pleasure, so much happiness not just physically it was more than that for me. He treated me like I was precious to him, more than willing to fulfil my needs more than his own. And he took care of my insecurities, my fears, I would have trusted him with entire body and soul in an instance. But that's not the most of it the best of it was when he'd just hold me tightly in his arms, on the nights when we didn't have sex, on the nights when I needed him more than just superficially. I remember how lovingly he reassured me and promised me things would be alright on the nights when I revealed myself to him. Those were my real nights with him, the time in which I opened up to him, when I told about my past and what I'd had to endure after Mum and dads' death, when I needed him most. And he'd listen, he'd just be so perfect, holding me until I cried no more. He helped me come to terms with it all, ironic now since it's him that is the bane of my past. Why he did it I don't know and I don't want to, it'd just be too hurtful to know the truth.  
  
Looking at it though why should I care? I can easily pick cracks in our relationship even from a brief glance. Our time together wasn't quite all I've made it out to be, rarely was it the perfect scenario I've described. More often than not it was a few stolen moments on a mission or in the office, a few glances and a innuendoes with hidden meaning at work in our comments to each other.. that's not romance, perhaps I should have realised then that there was something wrong. He never opened up to me either, not really, it was always me who was the one who always showed their vulnerable side, never him. And I was the needy one as well, always needing to feel safe, secure and loved. He was distant at times as well, very distant yet at others he was incredibly close and completely loving (now we all know why, it was work). I was the more affectionate one as well, but that's probably due to my needy side. Our relationship was, under closer scrutiny, far from perfect.. yet it was more than enough for me at the time.  
  
I suppose now you see why things are so hard for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking into two, falling apart as the days go on. It's like a doubled edged sword looking back at the past, it both fills me with joy at its remembrance and saddens me when I remember what was to come. I've got to do I though to let the healing begin. The thing is what I've said so far isn't the final bombshell, not at all. No perhaps the worst thing of all of this is when everything is all said and done and I look deep inside of me, real deep, I find that I still love him. Yeah love him, hardly seems believable but I do, I can't turn my feelings on and off like a tap. Sure there are parts of him I hate, most of him in fact. But when I think back to those special moments and times, I can't hate him completely.. however hard I try. I guess I haven't learnt anything if I still love him... I guess I'm still the bigger fool for it, although its slowly killing me to do so.  
  
***  
  
Well that was chapter one, a tad revealing I think. Quite emotional as well (bet you never thought of Chris like this). Well greater surprises are still to come in the next chapter entitled 'Insomnia' when we take a look at Wesker and make some truly shocking discoveries (pending positive reviews).  
  
Oh well not much to say apart from please R/R with views, comments, constructive criticism, etc (any review are greatly appreciated).  
  
P.S If you read my other fic Wesker's Desire (Claire/Wesker) it's going to be a while before chapter eleven (I've just deleted 3/4's of it as quite frankly it sucked.. sorry) 


	2. Insomnia

Category: Resident Evil  
  
Title: Used And Abused  
  
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk  
  
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Language: English  
  
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)  
  
a/n Okay update time. Not really much to say at all at present. Obviously I changed the rating from its previous of NC-17 (for now at least). Other than that there's not anything else to say (I'll put other stuff at the end, if there is any)  
  
So straight on with the fic-  
  
Chapter Two: Insomnia, The Past- Wesker's P.O.W  
  
***  
  
...To write, I suppose it should be easy for me. I always have a lot to say for myself after all, it's an irony of a sort I guess and a very fitting one at that... how very, very apt. But it's only to be expected, it's not like I have much practice in doing this. Sure I've written reports and essays, thousands at least, but never have I written like this, so personally, so openly.. it's not like me (and that's putting it mildly). I don't know why I am bothering to either, it's not like anyone's ever going to read this, but do it I must. The only explanation can I offer is that I'm compelled to, forced to (how weak I am.. curse this inferior body and its even weaker mind). I'm lying in actual fact, I do know why I'm writing this, it's to cure the insomnia that's been plaguing these last few nights. See? I'm making excuses once again for myself, trying to hide behind false reasons and create another facade to protect myself. I can't do that, I mustn't, healing can't begin until you realise the problem and confront it head on, can it?. And I do need healing whether I care to admit that to myself or not. Healing for this battered, weary, tired mind and my conscience (that's if I've got one still or even if I had one at all). The real reason I'm writing this is because it reminds me of the past, whether that is in fact a good thing is something I'm still unsure about. But the past is worth so much more to me than I have credited it, it means so much... it reminds me of him. So much about him, that's probably why I'm writing this because of him. I can still remember how he always kept a diary and wrote in it dedicatedly everyday as well.. memories. I suppose it makes me feel closer to him to write like this... and that's going in completely the wrong direction that I want to, need to, have to go in.  
  
I've just realised the little confession I've made to you. Surprised? I guess you are. The *grand* Captain Wesker is gay? Just shocking isn't it? And who on earth could he be talking about? Who could mean something to him? Who could mean anything to him? What happened in the past to him? And why is he talking about it now? So many questions, so few answers I've given myself. As I've said tonight's the night for the truth, confession time for me. And there's no point in putting up a pretence anyway, nobody's going to read this so I don't know why I have any qualms about writing the truth, writing what I feel. I guess I'm scared, scared what I might discover about myself. Yes I said scared, hardly fitting with my image is it? I shouldn't be allowed to have feelings or emotions, I don't deserve them, they're for people, real people. And I can hardly classify myself as human, can I? No I'm a Tyrant, efficient, cold and heartless.. at least that's what I'm supposed to be. After what I've done, the grief I've caused you'd think the last of my humanity would have been eaten away, like an apple to the core (if you can call what I had before all of this that, humanity). I've told myself that I'm reading into this too deeply but so far I haven't been reading into it enough. Too prepared to bury my emotions, lock them away hoping that they'd just go away if I turned a blind eye to them. They haven't, they've only intensified and slowly become harder and harder to ignore until I have had no choice but to confront them. And there's so much to look back upon, to reflect upon, analyse (sounds so clinical, so professional, doesn't it?). Many, many things to look upon; my sordid liaison with him, my relationship if you can call it that. My betrayal, not only to the S.T.A.R.S teams, to the their families, to RPD... but to him as well. My greed, my want, my evil desire and what I've done to achieve it. And of course what happened at the Spencer Mansion, what I did to him, what I did to myself.  
  
I do wonder about our relationship, continually it seems as of late. What it was, where it was to, where it was heading. That's if, as I said, it was a relationship. It wasn't perfect by any means, there was a lot wrong with it in fact... despite that there was so much right. Why I am I saying this? It's too late now, its over. It doesn't exist, only in my mind. I fucked it up, I destroyed it, killed it, it was me, my fault. I should forget it, move on, but that's only because it's something I really don't want to face. I've never had a relationship before (hardly surprising), not properly, not like this one. Nothing so intense, so powerful, so.. loving. The times we spent together brought me things that I can't even begin to describe or understand, it just did. Nothing can compare to it, it was so passionate, so nurturing, so beautiful and on the other hand so wild and fun and carefree. I suppose I made a choice to turn my back on it, its my fault I guess. After all I made the choice to do what I did, but it wasn't completely like that. You see I never meant to become so involved in the first place. I never meant to become so personally attached to it, it wasn't supposed to mean anything. All I wanted it to be when it started out was to be a fling, just for sex and lust, nothing more. But I guess that was all my prior experience in that area of life, one night stands, etc. But something about the whole was so.. intoxicating, I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. And it turned into something more than time beneath the sheets, something on a much deeper level. He opened up to me, revealed himself to me, laid himself bare. Showed me his vulnerability, his weakness, his innocence, his fears and his doubt... and I accepted it, all of it. I wanted to be able to protect him, shield him from reality, heal him and that was the downfall of it all. Before then I'd already sold myself to Umbrella, already sworn my allegiance to them, put their plan into motion. By then I'd already become the Albert Wesker everybody else knows and there was no going back. I was so consumed with my own desires and ambitions, it clouded my judgement. It allowed me to tell myself that he didn't care, I didn't care. That's why I betrayed him, for my own means. Selfish, just fucking selfish.. it's the worst decision I ever made. But in retrospect there was little else I could do, if I had disobeyed Umbrella they would have found out and got us back. They would have killed him for sure, although I doubt that was a factor I thought of at the time. That's not to say I didn't agonise over it all before, I thought bout it a lot before it all happened.. but to a far lesser degree than I should have. It did affect me despite what I told myself at the time, looking back I can see that. I was a heart breaking decision I had to make, it tore me up to do it. I should have been strong, remained uninvolved, distant.. but I didn't. He made it so that I had to choose between him and it all, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM TO HELL. No I don't mean that, it's still my fault, but he made it so hard, so very hard. He'd gotten to me so much by then, I was consumed by him, totally and utterly. However I still made the wrong decision and for that I'll pay.  
  
I'll never forget what happened at the Spencer Mansion, well how could I? I don't mean the death of my comrades, my team-mates, my feelings about them are in a whole different league than what I did to him. I'll never, never forget that look that he gave when he found out. Those piercing eyes, the hurt he so blatantly showed which he tried to cover up with anger. That look will haunt me to my grave, it said so many things. I can only imagine what he was going through when he realised, what he felt. And what did I do? I acted like I didn't care, well I had to. Couldn't let it get to me, affect me, stunt me.. and perhaps it was a better thing to do. Because of what I did he hates me I believe and if he hates me he can't love me and so he is spared from the heartache, the anger takes over instead. You can't love and hate someone can you? That sure sound hypocritical as if I'm honest I do. I hate him for what he did to me, making me choose, changing me, loving me but still I have feelings for him, how screwed up am I? Maybe I hate him because I love if so then there's a possibility that he feels the same.. shit. Because I wouldn't want him to go through what I have its a cross I couldn't let him bare. All I can hope for however is that he's forgotten about me.. if only I could do the same... oh Chris. Why'd you do this to me? Why? WHY?...why?  
  
***  
  
a/n I told you that chapter would be very emotional didn't I. Next chapter will be a flashback scene which will inject some happiness into this angsty fic, for a time at least. I'm not sure however whether to include sex as it doesn't necessarily matter if I do (drop me a review about it, hint, hint).  
  
So until next update I guess 


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